


Always

by charlesss



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Based on a Tumblr Post, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, Multi, Virgil Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-25
Updated: 2019-02-25
Packaged: 2019-11-05 08:47:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17915648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charlesss/pseuds/charlesss
Summary: Virgil is afraid. If things go wrong, he'll never be able to escape it.Still, the others are eager to show him that things don't have to go wrong.





	Always

If anyone had told Virgil, on any date before (or even after) July 15th, 2017, that he would be accepted and loved by the other sides to the extent he was now, he would have laughed. He would have laughed, and laughed, all to cover up how awful he felt inside.

 

The thing was, he didn't really think that it was so impossible for them to love him, and certainly not for him to love them. The only barrier would be his own fears, those hateful fantasies that kept him up each night. Those thoughts that seemed to crawl up his back and settle on his shoulders, weighing him down just a little more each day.

 

If he ever let them close to him, if he ever allowed himself to be loved… Well, how would that end? Not well, surely. And if there was any sort of deviation from that perfect happy ending he longed for, he would never be able to escape it.

 

Think about it. The four of them were facets of a personality, fragments of a person. If they broke up, that could ruin Thomas. And Virgil would never,  _ ever  _ put Thomas at risk.

 

So he stayed distant, or as distant as he could. He smiled at their jokes, hesitantly embraced their hugs, and ignored the panging in his chest every time one of them smiled at him. All because he couldn't do this to them, to Thomas.

 

He did a wonderful job of holding himself back, too. An outsider might never guess that he had hated turning down their offer to join a relationship with them, that it had sent him to his room to cry for the rest of the night. One might never know how hollow it made him to see them kissing, holding hands, dancing their happy little relationship dance all around the commons.

 

Because Virgil was a very good actor. Until, of course, he wasn't.

 

°•°

 

“Morning, Virge!” Patton smiled, flipping a pancake as Virgil trudged down the stairs. He grunted in response, shuffling towards the coffee maker. He poured out the leftover contents from whoever had used it last (he suspected Logan, the logical side had a tendency to stay up late with a cup or two) and began to brew some fresh.

 

“Morning, Pat,” he finally greeted once his coffee was finished. He lifted to mug to his lips, sighing contentedly as he drank.

 

“That tired, huh?” Patton seemed slightly concerned to see him down the entire hot mug in just a few seconds. Virgil nodded and refilled the mug, not drinking it so quickly this time.

 

“Why, what a wonderful morning!” Roman leapt down the stairs, already in full costume. He shot the other two a large smile, and blew a kiss at Patton before moving to turn on the TV.

 

“Ah, I would not suggest television before breakfast,” Logan was quick to follow down the stairs, still tying his tie. “While there are not any extreme health risks, it would likely make Patton upset to see that you-”

 

“Wait, are you watching Steven Universe?!” Patton gasped, sliding the last of the pancakes onto a plate before rocketing towards the couch. “I didn't know there were new episodes out yet!”

 

“There are not,” Logan gave a small smile and sat down beside Patton, wrapping an arm around his shoulder. “Thomas has been keeping an eye on the airing schedule, and has not yet noticed any updates about either the movie or season six.”

 

“Reruns are always good, though, are they not?” Roman had paused the show, still in the opening theme song, to address his boyfriends. “Of course, if you'd rather we-”

 

“No, no,” Patton leaned towards him, “this is perfect.”

 

Virgil watched the three of them, wondering if the butterflies in his stomach had anything to do with the wonderfully aromatic pancakes sitting on the table in front of the couch. He glanced at the plate, still steaming, and shook his head, finishing his coffee and heading back upstairs. He had work to do, and it wouldn't do well to sit around and watch cartoons all morning.

 

Though. For some reason, he really, really wanted to.

 

°•°

 

Virgil stared at the card in his hands, his thumb tracing idly over Patton’s terrible drawing. He blinked, and a dark splatter appeared on the paper, just next to crayon-virgil’s face. He stared at it, only shoving it aside as another small splatter appeared nearby. He pressed the card under his pillow, then brought his blankets up to his face. He wiped his eyes, fingers shaking against the cloth. 

 

_ Why them?  _ he asked himself.  _ Why, of all the people you could love, would you choose them?  _

 

He would only ruin them. He could see it now - the tears streaming down Patton’s face, the anger written in Logan’s eyes, the waver in Roman’s voice as he told Virgil to leave. If he joined them, the delicate balance the three had built… It would disappear, and they would all fall, and they would never be able to see anything good in him ever again.

 

Sure, they might have some good moments before the collapse, but what was a handful of good moments with Virgil compared to a lifetime of happiness without him? Exactly. Nothing.

 

_ So, why them?  _

 

He didn’t know. And it wasn’t like he actually  _ loved  _ them. Not like they loved each other, anyway. To them, he was family, not a lover. And he was happy with that.

 

The blanket fell from his fingers, and his chest shook with sobs.

 

°•°

 

“Has anyone seen Virgil today?” Thomas asked, glancing at each side before lingering on Virgil’s empty spot in front of the stairs. 

 

“I saw him while I was making pancakes this morning,” Patton recounted, tapping his finger on his chin. “He seemed pretty tired, he may have gone back to sleep.”

 

“Sleeping during the day? He really  _ is  _ a vampire!” Roman exclaimed, eliciting a small smile from Thomas and a little giggle from Patton.

 

“I’ve just been feeling… a bit ‘off’, y’know? I was wondering if he had anything to say about it, or if he was causing it, or…”

 

“Well, how have you been feeling?” Logan asked.

 

“I guess… lovesick?” Thomas said, his arms raised in a shrug. “I can’t tell who I’m lovesick  _ for  _ though… It’s been throwing me off for nearly two weeks now.”

 

“Wait, two  _ weeks?”  _ Roman glanced at Patton, who just shrugged. “Could… Could we be...”

 

“Well, I’m not sure Virgil is the cause, based on what you’ve said. See, two weeks ago-”

 

_ “Absolutely nothing happened,”  _ Roman had stretched his arm across the room, and now held it over Logan’s mouth. Logan raised an eyebrow, at him, crossing his arms until Roman retracted his arm. Thomas watched the scene with increasing confusion, hardly bothering to look to Patton for an explanation (the moral side only shrugged as a response to his inquiring looks).

 

“Roman,” Logan began softly, “you were the one who suggested we tell Thomas about this… situation. I believe that now would be the ideal time, as it would likely help to explain what he is,” he paused, sending a sideways glance at Patton, “feeling.”

 

“A-as long as Patton’s okay with it,” Roman nodded. Patton smiled at the two of them, nodding his head enthusiastically.

 

“Well, shucks, both of you know I was just waiting until you were ready to tell him!”

 

“Tell me what?” Thomas asked softly, gaze flickering between the three of them. He didn’t miss the nervous look on Logan’s face, or the way Roman’s half-smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Guys? You know that whatever this is, I’ll always love you, right?”

 

“Of course, Thomas,” Roman sighed. “It’s just… a bit nerve-wracking, is all. But we’ve been meaning to tell you…”

 

“We’re in a relationship!” Patton jumped in, hopping up and down. “The three of us got together two weeks ago.”

 

“Not Virgil?” Thomas looked confused.

 

“To be completely honest, it would have been ideal to include him,” Logan sighed, “but he denied our offer to join the relationship. Understandable, but regrettable all the same.”

 

“I see,” Thomas smiled, a small weight lifting off his shoulders. “Well, I guess that explains why I’ve been feeling lovesick, with the three of you… y’know.”

 

“If it doesn’t settle down within another few days, feel free to let us know, and we shall see to it immediately,” Logan flashed a quick smile before sinking out of sight, with Roman and Patton quick to follow.

 

“See ya, Thomas!” Patton called as he disappeared into the floor.

 

“Until next time,” Roman bowed deeply as he sunk out, leaving Thomas alone in his living room.

 

He sat down on the couch, sighing as he pulled out his phone. He didn’t feel any better, but at least he had an explanation for the feeling that had been plaguing him for the past two weeks.

 

Oh, well. It would probably get better soon.

 

°•°

 

Things were only getting worse.

 

Virgil could barely bring himself to leave his room, even for meals and videos. Now that Thomas knew about Logan, Roman, and Patton, they hadn’t been bothering to hide their affections in front of him (though managed to restrain themselves for videos), and the sight had just been killing Virgil.

 

He knew that he was doing the right thing for everyone by keeping away from them, but it hurt so much. Every time Roman planted a kiss on Patton’s forehead, Virgil wanted to cry. Every time Patton jumped onto Logan, hanging off his back as the taller side walked around the commons, Virgil wanted to scream. And every time Logan wrapped Roman in a sleepy hug, draping himself over the prince’s shoulders, Virgil forgot how to breathe.

 

He wanted that. He  _ needed  _ that. But he couldn’t ruin it. He couldn’t do that to them. To Thomas. To himself.

 

_ You’re doing the right thing,  _ he told himself each night he spent alone in his room.  _ If they could see what would happen otherwise, they would thank you.  _

 

Virgil took what little comfort those thoughts offered and wrapped it around himself along with his blankets each night. He pressed his head to his pillow, barely hearing the crinkling of Patton’s card underneath - he was too busy trying to block out the sound of the three of them laughing on the floor below.

 

°•°

 

Virgil leaned against the wall as soon as he was summoned, looking around the room to see who else was there. Everyone but Roman had appeared, and after a moment, the fanciful side had arrived too. Thomas sat on the couch in front of them, wrapped in a blanket and looking rather depressed.

 

“Are you okay, Thomas?” Patton was the first to speak up, looking worried.

 

“No,” Thomas sighed. “I… That lovesickness I told you guys about last week… It didn’t go away. In fact, it’s gotten worse.”

 

“Lovesickness?” Virgil asked, a horrible feeling building in his stomach. Did he pass his idiotic feelings onto Thomas? How long had he been making Thomas suffer because he couldn’t control himself?

 

“Yeah… I’ve been feeling weird since the other three got together, and I don’t really understand why.”

 

“Well, it wouldn’t be the first time one of us passed a particularly strong emotion on to you,” Logan began. “I just… I thought that it would have settled by now, seeing as the three of us are rather happy in the relationship. At least, I am.”

 

_ It isn’t you,  _ Virgil wanted to say.  _ It isn’t any of you…  _

 

“I love our relationship!” Patton agreed. “If there’s any unhappiness here, it isn’t coming from me.”

 

Virgil struggled to keep a straight face, and it took every ounce of his control not to burst out with an explanation. But he couldn’t tell them, it wouldn’t be fair. And if he explained, they might feel obligated to help him - and as happy as that might make him in the short term, it spelled disaster in the long run.

 

“Roman?” Logan was looking towards the fanciful side with an almost pained glance. “If… If you are unsatisfied with what we have, you can always… you can always tell us. You know this, right?”

 

“Of course I know,” Roman nodded. “But this isn’t coming from me. When we got together… It was the happiest moment in my entire life.”

 

“So, where is this coming from…?” Thomas stood, tugging the blanket tighter around his shoulders. “I don’t understand…”

 

“Virgil…” Patton was looking at Virgil, a look of understanding dawning on his face. Virgil’s eyes widened, and he inched closer to the stairs, praying that Patton wouldn’t say it.

 

“Virgil?” Logan looked confused, and he glanced between the two. “I don’t understand. What does he have to do with this?”

 

“I should think, well, everything,” Roman sighed, sending Virgil an exasperated smile. “I should have noticed sooner… I’m the romantic one, aren’t I? What a fool I’ve been!”

 

“What are you talking about, Princey?” Virgil barked, his heart pounding in his chest. Logan's eyes widened behind his glasses, and he let out a little gasp. 

 

“Oh, Virgil,” he said, a bittersweet smile forming on his face.

 

“What is it,  _ Logan?”  _ Virgil hissed, tears threatening to spill from his eyes. As hard as he tried, there was no hiding it now… Only Thomas seemed to have missed the memo.

 

“What is going on?” he asked, shuffling forward in his blanket.

 

“I think that the source of your feeling these past three weeks has been Virgil,” Patton explained, sending a soft, apologetic smile towards the anxious side, who met it with a teary glare.

 

“Virgil…? But, I thought you said he denied your…” Thomas turned to him suddenly, realization glinting in his eyes. “Did you lie to them?”

 

“I-” he cut himself off, voice cracking. How could he explain this? It sounded paranoid, silly, stupid, but he  _ knew  _ that it was real, that it could happen if he told them the truth. If he loved them.

 

They all stared at him, waiting for an explanation that he could never give. He let out one pathetic choked sob before disappearing, collapsing on his bed. For the millionth time in those three weeks, he sobbed into his covers - this time, feeling as though he had brought on the end of the world.

 

°•°

 

The others didn't come to talk to him until later that night. Maybe they wanted to give him time to cool down, or maybe they needed time to think about what to say. It didn't really matter to Virgil either way, he had managed to calm down by the time he heard a knock on his door.

 

“Virgil?” it was Logan’s voice that followed the sound, softer and more vulnerable than Virgil had ever heard him. As if in a trance, he found himself pulling the door open, taking in the sight of the other three standing in the hallway outside.

 

“Yeah?” he asked, his voice miraculously steady.

 

“We would like to talk about… about earlier,” he said vaguely. He didn’t need to explain - anyone with a brain cell could tell what he was referring to.

 

“Sure,” Virgil swallowed, his fingers tapping quietly against the door. “In here, or-?”   
  


“It may be beneficial to have this conversation in the commons, or even with Thomas. Er, however,” Logan added, as if sensing Virgil’s spike in panic, “we could simply fill him in afterwards. If that would help.”

 

“It might,” Virgil nodded curtly. He led the way down the stairs, acutely aware of the three sets of eyes on his back. He sat down on the end of the couch, relaxing slightly as Logan sat down a few feet away. Roman and Patton sat close to Logan, leaving a considerable amount of space between them and Virgil - a small comfort, but one Virgil did not overlook.

 

“So,” Roman began, clapping his hands together. “I think we should just lay down some facts first, right?”

 

“Sure,” Virgil nodded.

 

“So, three weeks ago, the three of us got together, yes?”   
  


“Um, yeah,” Virgil nodded again, eyebrows furrowing.

 

“And you turned us down when we offered you the chance to join our relationship, correct?”

 

“Yeah,” Virgil was a bit quieter now, resting his forehead on his folded hands. “I did.”

 

“Was it honest?” Patton asked, managing to avoid an accusatory tone.

 

“No,” the word tore its way out of VIrgil’s throat before he could stop himself, and his eyes flew open to see the other three watching him intently. “I mean, I… I meant it, but I didn’t…”

 

He trailed off, blinking slowly.  _ Just say it,  _ he told himself.  _ They’ll either understand and let you be, or they’ll…  _

 

What would they do?

 

“Virgil?” he had been quiet a bit too long, apparently.

 

“Yeah, sorry,” he cleared his throat. “What I meant is that while I, um, would like to be… with you, I don- didn’t think it would be a very good idea, y’know, for me to join, well, uh, you.”

 

“Why not?”

 

And there it was. The million dollar question, the one brick that would topple the entire tower.

 

“Because…” 

 

_ Say it, Sanders, say it!  _

 

“Because if something, like, happens - something really bad, I mean - and it ruins us, um, the relationship, then we… we have to live with it.”

 

“Yeah?” Roman sounded confused. “Doesn’t everyone?”

 

“Exactly!” Virgil exclaimed. “Everyone has to just, like, deal with it! And if we end up hating each other, we can’t just leave, and move one, we have to…. What would that even do to Thomas? We  _ are  _ him! If we hated each other, how would he…”

 

He didn’t need to finish his thoughts, his years of dark fantasies, twisted imaginations. Roman had wrapped him in a hug, and so had the other two, based on the number of arms wrapped around his shoulders and torso.

 

“Virgil…” Roman swallowed, his voice muffled in Virgil’s neck.

 

“Roman,” Virgil sniffled.

 

“I don’t think I could hate any of you - especially not you, Virgil,” Patton breathed, his voice shaky and muffled. “I would  _ love  _ to be with you, to show you that we could never hate you, could never hate each other, not like that.”

 

“There used to be a time where I hated you,” Roman sighed, pulling away slightly. “Even then, I would have given anything to protect you. Now that I… Since I’ve gotten to know you, I don’t think I could ever go back to that, no matter what you do.”

 

“Virgil, I am not very good with emotions,” Logan sat up, pulling away from the half-hug, “but I know enough about them to know what love is - and I know that I love you. I would never force that upon you, but if you are worried about that love fading, I would advise you to let go of those fears. Nothing you could do could ever make me hate you.”

 

“What if I ate the last of your Crofters?” Virgil asked, his voice shaking.

 

“I would be upset, but not mad, and definitely not mad - or upset - at you.”

 

“If you really don’t want to be with us, I understand,” Patton nodded, finally pulling away from the embrace. “But if you do,  _ please _ don’t let your fears stop you. We will  _ always  _ love you.”

 

“Always?” Virgil croaked, wiping a tear from his eye.

 

“Always,” the others said unison. 

 

“Okay,” Virgil breathed. Just like that, what seemed like a lifetime’s worth of anxieties lifted off his shoulders. He took a deep breath, finding it easier than ever to get air. “I want to be with you. All of you.”

 

“Good,” Roman smiled, booping him on the nose. “Because I have a very hard time taking ‘no’ for an answer.”

 

“Oh, stop it,” Patton shoved him lightly, earning an undignified gasp from the royal.

 

“Fiend!” he cried out, collapsing against the table. “Someone, help me!”

 

“Good luck, Prince Roman,” Logan snorted. “I have to make dinner.”

 

“Virgil, please!” Roman cried out as Patton jabbed at his ribs, the two of them giggling on the floor.

 

“Begone, beast!” Virgil shouted, wiping the last of his tears from his face, replacing them with a smile. “This prince is under my protection.”   
  


“Understandable,” Patton giggled, “have a nice day!”

 

“I thought I was on my own there,” Roman panted as Virgil pulled him up.

 

“None of us will ever be on our own,” Virgil said quietly, wrapping Roman in a hug. “Not anymore.”

 

“Yeah,” Roman agreed. “Never again.”

 

Virgil buried his face in Roman’s shirt, his racing heart finally beginning to calm. He smiled as Roman wrapped an arm around his back, offering the most comforting words he didn't know he still needed.

 

“We’ll always have your back.


End file.
